MY CONFESSION: A Story of a MISTRESS

DEDICATION

The story below is my own story. I wrote this during my last year in college. I would like to dedicate this story to all the girls who have been betrayed yet have been brave to face the world instead of turning their backs from what the life may give to them.  

Rules: 

1. Never commit to something if you are not yet ready to face all the consequences.

2. Do not chase love because like butterflies, the more you chase it, the more it eludes.

3. Forget the past and embrace the present.

4. Do not be afraid to take risks. They are part of living the life to its fullest.

My Confession

(ONCE A MISTRESS)

Everyone would say that once the trust has been broken, it’s too hard to regain it. We might have experienced being betrayed by the person we trusted the most, yet we still hope that someone would come along our way to show us the meaning of life and bring back the trust we once had lost.

I am one of those people who believed that one day, somehow, my senses will lead me to the person who will revive the faith I have in the people around me, even to the World. I once lost the trust and faith to somebody, specifically to the men. I know I am not the only woman in this world who hated men very much. However, most of us have the same reason; betrayal.

I was once so much in love with the person who is totally stranger to me. We just met, and then fall in love right away. It was like a blink of an eye. Like what they have said, “Love at first sight”. Without even knowing him deeper, I trusted him a lot because when I am with him I felt no harm. I felt so safe. I dated him for almost three months. We went to our favorite restaurant, went to island hopping, watch movies together, sing together and a lot more; the common things in dating. And later on, we became boyfriends and girlfriends.  He is the ideal type of a boyfriend. He is romantic. He knew how to please a girl. He has his stable job, car, house and everything a man wanted to have for his future family. Take note, he is tall, dark and handsome; the characteristics that most women admired. He really seemed to be so perfect.

He then became my inspiration. In the class, at home, in everything I do and all. He was once my all. He used to call me if he is away because of his job. He is really a sweet and caring one. And one thing I loved him very much, he respects me a lot. He never attempts any sexual action despite of his age. He was 28 and I was just running 18 that time. And we all know, at that age, men would have more advanced thinking than 18 or 20.

Songs like “I’ll Never Go”, “Pag-ibig na Kaya”, “Somewhere Down the Road” and “Lupang Hinirang” were very memorable for me. I can still remember, when he went so late in my rented room, and then we were on the receiving area for visitors, I heard that music from his car just near from where we are. He whispered me those words “I’ll never go far away from you”, then he grabbed my hand and put it on his heart. Time is very fast, he hugged me and he let my ears hear his heartbeat. He made a distance between us and smiled at me. Without any word, he carried me like we are a newly wed couple. He is a big man, so it is easy for him to carry a little lady like me. We find ourselves laughing in that position. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

“Lupang Hinirang” is the song he first sang for me. I could not really believe hearing our national anthem. And sometimes it is played on his car. I will just laugh and feel the moment. The rest of the songs are just very fit in our situation.

But, one day, also just a blink of an eye, everything has changed. Something is really missing between us. I don’t know exactly what it is. I was so blind because of the love that lingers in my heart. I became deaf with the advices of the concerned people in my life. Truly, you can forgive your love even if how much he or she hurt you.

Speculations come. And I don’t believe them because I could not accept to myself that I fall for a person like him. When I could no longer bear the pain, I did the research about him by myself. It was too hard for me to do that because I have trusted him so well. Yet, I decided to be strong and face whatever may be. Through the internet, I found out the true person in him. I have searched his email address and it registered other name. I said to myself, it is not him because that is not the name of my boyfriend. However, because of my curiosity, I searched the name reflected on the screen. Then, I go through links and finally found a picture. They are all wearing white. It was a picture of a happy friends and a newly wed couple. I looked into the groom carefully, and I could not describe my feelings at that moment. It’s him! The man who I have with. I scrolled down the cursor on the screen and read the caption below. It hurts to know the truth, but he was married four years ago before we met. He is married, married and married. I am so stupid of trusting my heart to a person who is already committed.

By then, I was afraid what my friends would tell me. I was afraid they will go away from me because I had a relationship with a married man. They might deny me in the world. It took me a long time to confess to them what I have been through. I have been acting so fine in front of them as if nothing happens. Yet, deep inside my heart is dying. I could not forgive myself for falling in love to a guy like him. From then on, I started to hate all the men in the world. And I started to avoid the word “love”. I started to refuse to believe that love is true. I don’t know, I don’t know now. Perhaps, I thought in myself, all this time, I might be the only one who gave love and to him it was all nothing. I could not explain. Until one day, he came to see me and ask an apology. I still can’t forget the words that came out from his mouth, “ I can be a good friend but not a good boyfriend”. From then on, though he was not able to speak and admit the right word, I can read between the lines that our relationship cannot really work. Now I understand what he was trying to say to my sister long before we are still dating. “She is too pure for me”, that was his words.

Months passed by after the confrontation, we no longer have communication, and he is back again. He get the talking teddy bear from me, that he gave me before.  He pushed the heart of the teddy bear and it speaks “I love you”, that’s the last word I heard, and then I heard the closing of his car and leave. He told me earlier that he will get that bear that would always remind me on what we used to be so that it would be easy for me to forget him.

 Many tried to win my heart (not to boast, just being honest) but I could not find the trust and faith. I rested my heart for three years and focused my attention and time to student service and to my studies. Because of the hate I felt, all the best in me came out. The things I thought I could not do, I have done it. I owe him a lot for what I am now. I dreamed big because of him. Because I wanted to show him how he was so wrong to play with my heart and I wanted to meet him someday with a chin up, and proud of what I am.

No matter how high I have already achieved, I can feel I am alone. Yes, I have a lot of friends. They became my true friends but I missed the times of being cared and loved by someone. I missed the feelings of having a relationship with a man who I could lean on. I missed receiving unexpected gifts from him. I missed his surprises. I missed everything. I missed him.

It took me three years to slowly move on. Yes, slowly. It has never been easy for me to forget my first love, to forget the person who showed me what love is and the person who taught me to be strong. I am not blaming him for the misfortune I think I have now, because I, myself, decided to let all these things happen in my life. I have made the decision and the choice and now I should finally face the consequences of my mistake. He has been good to me anyway, so I am still lucky I was not abused though my heart was really broken. That is part of life. You cannot taste the sweet unless you have not yet tasted the bitter. Yeah, I have been so bitter for three years. I have been so unfair to let myself happy and choose the path of moving on.

One day, I know this would end. And I know one will find me and embrace whatever my past was. I always pray to God and I am entrusting my life to Him. Whatever His plans may be, I will accept it heartily.

I was deceived. I was deceived of my feelings to that of a married man. Perhaps, it is because I felt my future would be so secure if I will choose him. Somehow, it is one of the factors why I have been so dependent on him. Of course, girls wanted to have a secure future for her and for her children. It is hypocrite to say if we will deny it. But, we should always keep in mind that sometimes we are deceived by material things. It keeps our eyes close to the reality. Waiting for the right time and for the right person than to keep on chasing them is the best we can do. We should do our part to keep us away from danger, from feeling so hurt. I would like to share this line and I know this is cliché for most of us, but for those who did not yet encounter this line, I will be glad to share it to you. “Love is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it eludes”. True love indeed waits!

Stand up, you, woman! Show the world what you got!

Note: I decided to entitle this as “My Confessions” because no one knows except my friends, that a sophisticated and a strong woman in the eyes of others have also weaknesses and failures. And I want to free myself from the past that I became a MISTRESS which kept on destroying me.